Cheap Shot Review Of Gravity

THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS SPOILERS FROM THE FIRST SEVEN SECONDS OF GRAVITY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD RUN AND DO NOT LET YOURSELF BE SPOILED

My wife and I really, really did enjoy watching Gravity, but several days of non-stop ranting has caused my wife to ban me from talking about it anymore, so I turn to you. After all, the internet is a loving, non-judgmental safe space.

First off, I've read articles seriously saying that Gravity would ignite new interest in space travel. No. That's like saying Jaws would make everyone want a pet shark. Gravity is the last shovel of dirt on the grave of space travel. It's the science fiction equivalent of your parents telling you that, yes, in fact, they really did get divorced because of you.

This will never, ever be you.

But the part that I'm fixated on is how, at some point, they remembered that they needed to give Sandra Bullock's character an actual character, so they saddled her with a dead, young, tragically dead daughter.

(Just a thought. Wouldn't it have been so much better to give her a live daughter, and she couldn't talk to her because of the loss of communications? It would have given Sandra's adventure real stakes. Even better, it would have given her moving conversation with the Chinese ham radio guys an actual point. She could have tried to break the language barrier to tell them to record what she is saying ("Record? Tape?" "Tape!" "Yes! Tape!") so she could send a last message to her child. Again, just a thought. Though I am right.)

But then, when they needed to decide how Bullock's daughter died, and this is the point where I had to ask three people just to make sure I didn't hallucinate it, it turns out that the kid died when she fell down playing tag.

Yes, I'm not kidding. When she said that, I lost a full minute of space suspense thinking, "No, I couldn't have heard that right." I mean, sure, it is technically possible. (Not really. I mean, I've been a parent quite a while now, and it's not like the dead kids are stacked up like cordwood by the side of playgrounds from tag and monkeyshines-related fatalities.) But the point isn't possibility, it's choosing something that doesn't take people out of the moment. Kids get eaten by lions all the time, but if Bullock said that's what happened to her daughter, isn't there at least a chance you would have said, "Say what now?"

And then his spine snapped like the stem of a Waterford crystal wine glass.

So the conversation actually went something like this.

Sandra Bullock: "My daughter died playing tag. Fell down and hit her head. Just one of those things that happens."
George Clooney: "[Laconic Chuck Yaeger imitation.]"
Random Non-White Guy: "Guys, look! A wrench traveling at 20000 miles an hour!" [DIES]

Actually, I would have written something like this:

Sandra Bullock: "My daughter died playing tag. Fell down and hit her head. Just one of those things that happens."
George Clooney: "No. No, it isn't."
Random Non-White Guy: "Wrench!" [DIES]

But my dream version would be something like this:

Sandra Bullock: "My daughter died playing tag. Fell down and hit her head. Just one of those things that happens."
George Clooney: "What? She died playing tag? Who taught kids in Illinois how to play tag? You do know that, when tagging someone, a light-to-medium-firm touch of the fingers is all that is required. You don't use a bat. You don't need to give the other kid a donkey punch in the back of the freakin' head."
Random Non-White Guy: "Wait. What did she say?"
George Clooney: "She says her daughter died playing tag."
Random Non-White Guy: "Seriously!? Where was she playing tag? The Thunderdome!?" [DIES]

Or maybe just:

George Clooney: "So, Ryan, who's waiting for you back home?"
Sandra Bullock: "Um, can this wait until Space isn't trying to kill us?"
Random Non-White Guy: [DIES]

Please, please let me know if I start to overthink this.

Brief Oscar Thoughts.

Every year, I say I won't watch any of the Academy Awards. And every year, I disappoint myself, my family, and the whole idea of human dignity by giving in. I know they don't matter, but darn it. They're just too fun. If only watchable with the aid of a Tivo.

And, after so many years, this is the FIRST year I can recall when the movie that won Best Picture was, arguably, the best picture.

So let me conclude by saying, Hurt Locker! HELLS YEAH!

The only thing that would have made me happier is if Inglourious Basterds won its much deserved award for best documentary.

So Someone Has To Dislike the Star Trek Movie

God, I was looking forward to the Star Trek movie. I really, really did. But I ended up being the living embodiment of that awesome Onion sketch about nerds hating Star Trek. It just seemed like a mediocre action movie with the names of some characters from a TV show I like spackled on top.

Why do they make movies with this enormous special effects budgets and edit them so spastically I can't ever just sit back and go "Oooh!" Why did they have to take the already brain-churningly lame science of Trek and double down on that? (As much as I'd like a tiny vial of black hole making goo for myself.) And why couldn't Kirk win the Kobayashi Maru without being such a fratboy douchebag about it?

There were high points, of course. It was thrilling to know that, when Kirk listens to the Beastie Boys, he only does it on his Nokia. So there is that.

So, as much as I fought it, I've ended up being That Guy. Oh, Lord. Please don't let Up suck. Please, please, please.

Another Nerd Goes On About Watchmen

So now most of us nerds have had the chance to see and digest the Watchmen movie. And, if the rumors about the film's word-of-mouth are true, not many more people will be off to see it in the upcoming weeks. So I think it's safe to give a spoiler-free opinion, because I can really sympathize with what the filmmakers were trying to do.

First, geek-cred. The Watchmen comic is part of my DNA. I had a brain tumor removed when I was 19. To help the hospital time pass, a friend loaned me two graphic novels. The Cowboy Wally Show by Kyle Baker (a classic in its own right) and Watchmen by Alan Moore. They were the first of many, many comics I read as a sort of grown-up. Let's just say I have an emotional attachment.

And I really, really enjoyed the movie. As many little nitpicks and disappointments as I had, it was still fifty times better than I had any right to expect the movie to turn out. The director, Zack Snyder, really wanted to be faithful to the work.

And, if it turns out to be a flop in the long run, that is why.

Watchmen is insanely dense and complicated. It takes several readings to really grasp everything that's going on. To be in any way faithful to the work, you have to make something far more complex and challenging than what I think most people expect. Or want. Instead of making a more profitable movie, they tried to keep me happy. For what it's worth, I appreciate it. And I can really sympathize.

When I write a game, I am always imagining two voices in my head, shouting at me. On one side is the gamer. The RPG lover. The sort of person I am. On the other side is the normal person. The casual gamer. The person who isn't hugely familiar with gaming but is giving me a shot. I want to please both. I want to make everyone happy. But frequently it's a zero-sum game. The pleasure for one sometimes comes at the expense of the other. What can I give to each side to make them want to play?

So, movie review. Watchmen. Worth seeing. One and a half thumbs up. If you haven't read the book, approach it like a really good noir mystery. It'll be a little confusing the first time through, but it does all make sense.

And read the book. It's not just nerd-good. It's good-good.

Oh, and no. I didn't miss the squid. Fans of the comic know what I'm talking about.